Tick Tales of Misery and Occasional Ecstasy

August 24, 2008

The Joy of Nothing

Filed under: personal — Tags: , , — thetick @ 1:02 pm

Yesterday, I had an experience that I had no had in quite some time. I woke up relatively early and took a shower. Then I went to coffee, and went back home and waited for my buddy to call. I had arranged for his kid to mow my lawn, giving him a little spending money and saving me the hassle of doing it, and we took our combined trash to the landfill. After that, we all went and got something to eat and I went home.

That was the extent of what I did all day. I sat and watched Bones on DVD all day long. I really didn’t have anything that absolutely had to be done, so I didn’t do anything. In other words, I did nothing. I thoroughly enjoyed it. There wasn’t any pressing needs, no one telling me that there was something that had to be done, no where that I had to take them. I sat on my butt.

I enjoyed it so much, that I did it again this morning. It was eleven o’clock before I even showered, and that is about five hours later than usual. After I showered and got something to eat, I started feeling guilty about not having done anything, so I finished up the dishes and hooked up my XBox for the hell of it. I am still waiting on a decent sized check to get a couple of things that I need, primarily my motorcycle out of the shop, so I just have the Mac Mini and X-Box hooked up to my PC monitor. But, it works. And here it is, mid afternoon, and I still don’t have any pressing business. I am a bit sleepy, and I would love to take a Sunday afternoon nap, just to make the day complete, but experience has shown that a nap would cause me to not fall asleep until about 2 a.m. It would take me all week to recover from that, so I am finding more things to do to keep busy.

It has been a long time since I was able to have the joy of nothing, I am going to try it again soon.

On the update front, I had the conversation I was dreading with X2B. She called the other day concerning some computer problems. After helping her out as best I could, she asked me if it was bothering me that she called so often. This was the opening I needed. I took a deep breath and dived into the conversation. I made sure, again, that she understood that we are separated. I told her that I was concerned about the way she was talking to me, acting like I was just away on travel for work and this was only temporary. When I was looking for the right words, she correctly interpreted that I was freaked out by the fact that she wasn’t angry with me. She explained that she is sometimes mad at me, sometimes hates me, but ultimately, she cant blame me. She was doing a lot of crying, but I came away from the conversation feeling that she understands, and is actually trying to remain friends. I hope so, but I don’t know if I will ever be completely comfortable with the way things are unless I feel that she isn’t waiting for me to tell her to start packing her bags to move in with me again. But for now, I feel better knowing that we are both on the same page. I don’t think she has accepted where things are, but I can only do so much. I have told her where I stand, where the relationship stands, and anything after that I cant feel responsible for. I can feel a bit guilty for her emotional state, but not responsible.

My life goes on. And it aint too shabby.

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August 20, 2008

Things I Forgot I Like

Filed under: personal — Tags: — thetick @ 5:42 pm

I lived by myself for about 5 years before I got married again. There are a lot of joys in marriage, when things are going well, but even in the best of marriages, there are things that you miss about the single life. I’m not talking about going out, or seeing a member of the opposite sex and thinking about hooking up, I am talking about the little things. The things you can do by yourself, the things that you can do without the nagging guilt that might come from the feeling that your significant other might not like the fact that you are doing them. These are those things. Keep in mind that not all of these are necessarily universal, but specific to me.
1. Drinking from the jug. Milk, orange juice, whatever. When you move to a new town, and you live alone, it is reasonable to assume no one is going to be popping in and asking for a drink of milk. Chug away.
2. Go somewhere on the way home from work without expecting the cell to ring with questions about why you aren’t home yet.
3. Not calling anyone to say you are going somewhere on the way home from work, without the questions as to why or, even worse, if you can come home first so they can come too.
4. Decide you want cookies and milk and know that you have both cookies and milk. This means that no one ate/drank them when you weren’t around.
5. Going the cupboard and finding it fully stocked with clean dishes to eat off of, and drink out of.
6. Getting to pick which side of the bed to sleep on. Every night. Perhaps sleeping sideways over the whole bed.
7. Putting the DVD on that you want to watch, without “discussion.”
8. Getting up in the morning, switching on lights, showering and getting dressed without worrying about waking anyone up.
9. No discussion concerning what will be eaten for dinner.
10. The temperature in the house is finally where I am comfortable.
11. No need for slippers.
12. Nocturnal flatulance. ‘Nuff said.
13. Leaving the seat up.
14. Going to the store, getting what you need and getting the hell out in 15 minutes.
15. No animal hair everywhere.
16. Safety in the knowledge that my towel has never been used to clean up a hairball, or any other animal waste.
17. Laying on the couch.
I am sure that I will think of others as I do them, and I may post them here. For now, I just want to say that this entire post was written using the WordPress application on my iPhone, which I love.

August 19, 2008

Checking In

Filed under: personal — Tags: , , — thetick @ 8:50 am

So, it has been a while, and I havent posted anything. Once again, I am without Internet until the end of the week, so I am limited to either a public spot or surreptitiously blogging from the new job. Not really comfortable with the latter, as it is a new job and all.

Got into the house, and have the basics set up. Found a great dresser and kitchen stand at Ikea (man, that place is awesome) and a cheap microwave that is a clock right now. Still struggling with the living room, the coffee table that was given to me is awesome, the living room for it is not. I honestly don’t know if I can have an entertainment center, coffee table and futon/couch in the same room and be able to maneuver without crawling over the top of one of the above mentioned items. I have been doing a drain pan full of dishes or two a night, since pretty much everything has been in storage and I wanted it clean before using it. Almost there, the hard stuff is done, silverware, plates, bowls, coffee mugs and glasses.

I had to move a lot of boxes from the small shed to the large one, since the small one has a concrete floor and was getting a lot of condensation on it, which was soaking the boxes. As they are mostly full of books and collectibles, a rapid move was necessary. There is still a lot to be done as far as getting it to be “my house,” but the basic living necessities are there. Except groceries. I have been afraid to go to the grocery store. I have coffee and sugar, the staples of life, but nothing else. I cant really get any real food to cook, as I have no pots and pans yet, which limits me to nuke ’em food. Hopefully the budget will allow me to make a trip to Williams-Sonoma this weekend. A kitchen table would be nice too, in case I cant have the coffee table in the living room to eat off of. Hello again, Ikea.

The aquarium is beautiful. I cant wait to get it set up, but it will be a bit of a financial challenge, so it is on the back burner. I also need to check the under side of the house to make sure the floor can support the weight. Hopefully, there will be a nice supporting structure there to deal with it.

The best thing… the iPhone. Man, I love this thing. It is a first generation, but really it is all I need. It has saved my sanity in this Internet vacuum I am currently in. I get poor reception at work, but so does everyone else.

I have to give my sincere thanks to the Root Beer Kids. The help you provided during this move is appreciated so greatly I will never have the words to adequately express it. And to D&S, same thing. The way you adopted me into your fold and provided so much in things and support is incredible.

I am on my own again, and contrary to the concept placed forth in the Whitesnake song, I am quite content. There hasnt been the drastic period of adjustment that I was expecting, the loneliness is not really there. I thing that the segregation and isolation that caused the separation eased the transition.

It appears that there needs to be another talk with X2B, she still doesnt get it. She has either misunderstood, or, more likely, subconsciously and deliberately built things up in her head to be something they are not. I am going to have to set the record straight, and it wont be pretty. But it is necessary. I am not looking forward to that phone call. I tried so hard to make sure everything was done face to face, as I felt she deserved it, but circumstances have necessitated a harsh phone conversation. I hope she has some support from her folks.

Overall, I am pretty content, on my way to happy. It is a road I am unfamiliar with of late, I seem to remember some of the landmarks from my childhood, and I am slowly making my way down the road. This time, I hope to recognize the final destination when I get there.

August 8, 2008

Almost There…

Filed under: personal — Tags: , , , — thetick @ 4:59 pm

The past two weeks have been an exercise in patience and confusion. It ranks right up there in the most confusing times of my life. I came back from Virginia expecting anger, pain, lots of yelling and arguments and the things one usually thinks of when a long relationship is ending. That is not what I got. I got understanding, admissions of fault, and lots of loving attention. In other words, all the things that I had been lacking that led me to the point where I needed to get out. Don’t get me wrong, two weeks of this is not enough to make me forget about the past 6 years, but it has been damn confusing. After a couple of days of this, I had to talk to her again. I told her that I didn’t think she understood what was going on, what was happening. She sufficiently explained things how she saw them and I knew that she did, in fact, understand. I made it clear that we were over. I reiterated that at some point in the future, there may be a chance for us to have a relationship, but in order to start over, there had to be an ending, and that is what this is. She understood.

I do believe that she has tunnel vision and is focusing on the small glimmer of hope so hard that it shines like a lighthouse to her, but I feel I have done everything that I can do to be honest and clear about all this. I am pretty much ready to go, I finished packing everything up a week ago, and it just needs to be placed on a truck and transported. I have seen the stuff that is so graciously being given to me, and I am giddy as a leetle girl. I was given a first generation iPhone. That’s right, I said given. For free. So there, nanny nanny boo boo, stick your face in doo doo.

In my life, I have usually been a social loner. I had a few close friends, and I had circles of friends and had a good time, but my time was very much my time. I didn’t get that close to very many people. Mostly it was because experience had told me that feelings I had for others, friendship or otherwise, were rarely returned in the depth with which I had given them. So to find people as caring, and as generous as I have found in this time of my life is a source of amazement to me. In my life, I like to think that I have been generous and caring to others, but to have someone do that to me is baffling. I never really know what to say, and I feel guilty at times for accepting their generosity. To those people, and you know who you are, I can never sufficiently express my gratitude to the point where I feel it has been shown as deeply as I feel it. But know this, anything you ever want or need, if it is in my power to grant, it’s yours.

I am two days away from the departure. I approach it with some regret, and a mountain of excitement. It is nerve wracking to move into a new area and a new job on my own, but I feel I have a sense of purpose. I entered my first marriage a year out of high school, and when that one ended, I knew no other way to live. I spent most of the next five years longing for that security and feeling lonely. Part of that is what led to the second marriage. I have learned a lot because of this, and I feel I am better equipped in knowledge and experience to start a new life.

I am looking forward to the new start.

August 2, 2008

The Reveal

Filed under: personal — Tags: , — thetick @ 7:38 am

Sunday morning, I woke up as usual and X2B was outside again. I don’t know if it was a still up or a woke up. I got showered and told her I was going to coffee, not really giving her a chance to try to weasel her way into going. I met A and her grandfather at Denny’s, where we proceeded to have a bash fest on her. After a while, I sent A on his long drive home, and I went back to the house. She was in bed asleep.

I spent the better part of the day moving already packed boxes to the storage unit, and sorting through the last of the Idaho stuff there. I kept heading back to the house to see if she had woken up so I could have the talk. I finally got everything done I could without starting to really tear into things, and she still hadnt woke up yet. I played World of Warcraft for about an hour, but was having trouble staying focused enough to do much of anything. Finally, at four o’clock in the afternoon, I went in the bedroom to wake her up. She had finally started to stir. I gave her a few minutes to get awake enough to understand what I was saying, then told her that we needed to talk. She continued to do her waking up procedure of drinking a Coke or three, smoking a cigarette or five, wandering around the house. I finally got her back into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the couch and told her again that we needed to talk.

I started out by asking “Things have been pretty bad between us for a long time, you know that, right?” She nodded and said that she hadn’t known how to fix things. I started talking about all the things that she had been doing, or not doing that had been upsetting me. I gave examples, some of which I have talked about here. I had put enough thought into things to know the best way of saying things. I stayed away from telling her specific instances where she did something, since she gets hung up defending those particular actions, and just kept things to generalities. I told her how I felt that I was not important to her as anything other than a chauffeur and wallet, that we hadn’t been a couple in a long time based on she slept all day while I was at work and was up all night on the porch while I slept. I told how her negative attitude about everything was bringing me down, how she is a “glass half empty” person about everything. I dumped the whole bag of troubles right there on the bed, and held each of them up to the harsh light for her to see.

She surprised me by agreeing with me on pretty much everything. She continued to surprise me by admitting fault and accepting blame. The hard part was when I realized that she had not picked up on what was happening, and apparently thought I was leading up to some plan on how to fix everything. She eventually flat out asked what we could do to fix things. I told her that I had been offered a job in VA and had accepted. I told her I leave in two weeks.

There were no tears, no yelling. I made sure that she had heard and understood. She asked how we were going to fix things from so far away. I told her that I was leaving her. I explained how I had been planning this for years, and had been getting her to a place where she could support herself. She asked a few questions as realizations hit her, like freaking out because she wont have insurance. I explained again that I would be keeping her un insurance until I legally couldn’t, and that I had already explained to her how I wasn’t going to leave her high and dry. We both decided that we needed a cigarette, and she went outside. I held back a minute to let her folks know that the deed had been done, then joined her.

She asked a few more questions, then came up and gave me a hug and started crying. She told me that she had allowed the wreck to really mess her up and she had really messed up the relationship, and apologized about 14 bajillion times. Then she asked if I wanted to go see a movie.

OK.

This was not going at all as I had anticipated. I had expected yelling, screaming, possible violence. A had come up in case there was a need for a fast and furious packing and departure. I had made arrangements for places to stay in the event we couldn’t be in the same house. Now, she is calmly asking me if I want to go see a movie.

So we went to see a movie. She needed to go to the bathroom and get a drink before the movie started, so I called A to let him spread the news that it had been done. I was in a hurry, trying to get the bare essentials down before she came back. Apparently, I didn’t do a very good job, but that is a story for another day, maybe. She came back and as we watched the movie, she was grabbing at my hand to hold it, leaning on me. Essentially, confusing the hell out of me. I have been through a divorce before, and this is not at all what I am expecting. We go home after the movie and go to bed. She stayed up a bit, but that was to be expected.

p.s. sorry for not updating sooner, I was trying to get this done at work but circumstances and an unexpected bit of assholery from the boss prevented it. The deed is done, the move is on track, and there is more to tell, but it will have to be done another day. Hopefully, after the move, I will have more time to get some more chapters on sambobtink posted.

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