Checking In

So, it has been a while, and I havent posted anything. Once again, I am without Internet until the end of the week, so I am limited to either a public spot or surreptitiously blogging from the new job. Not really comfortable with the latter, as it is a new job and all.

Got into the house, and have the basics set up. Found a great dresser and kitchen stand at Ikea (man, that place is awesome) and a cheap microwave that is a clock right now. Still struggling with the living room, the coffee table that was given to me is awesome, the living room for it is not. I honestly don’t know if I can have an entertainment center, coffee table and futon/couch in the same room and be able to maneuver without crawling over the top of one of the above mentioned items. I have been doing a drain pan full of dishes or two a night, since pretty much everything has been in storage and I wanted it clean before using it. Almost there, the hard stuff is done, silverware, plates, bowls, coffee mugs and glasses.

I had to move a lot of boxes from the small shed to the large one, since the small one has a concrete floor and was getting a lot of condensation on it, which was soaking the boxes. As they are mostly full of books and collectibles, a rapid move was necessary. There is still a lot to be done as far as getting it to be “my house,” but the basic living necessities are there. Except groceries. I have been afraid to go to the grocery store. I have coffee and sugar, the staples of life, but nothing else. I cant really get any real food to cook, as I have no pots and pans yet, which limits me to nuke ‘em food. Hopefully the budget will allow me to make a trip to Williams-Sonoma this weekend. A kitchen table would be nice too, in case I cant have the coffee table in the living room to eat off of. Hello again, Ikea.

The aquarium is beautiful. I cant wait to get it set up, but it will be a bit of a financial challenge, so it is on the back burner. I also need to check the under side of the house to make sure the floor can support the weight. Hopefully, there will be a nice supporting structure there to deal with it.

The best thing… the iPhone. Man, I love this thing. It is a first generation, but really it is all I need. It has saved my sanity in this Internet vacuum I am currently in. I get poor reception at work, but so does everyone else.

I have to give my sincere thanks to the Root Beer Kids. The help you provided during this move is appreciated so greatly I will never have the words to adequately express it. And to D&S, same thing. The way you adopted me into your fold and provided so much in things and support is incredible.

I am on my own again, and contrary to the concept placed forth in the Whitesnake song, I am quite content. There hasnt been the drastic period of adjustment that I was expecting, the loneliness is not really there. I thing that the segregation and isolation that caused the separation eased the transition.

It appears that there needs to be another talk with X2B, she still doesnt get it. She has either misunderstood, or, more likely, subconsciously and deliberately built things up in her head to be something they are not. I am going to have to set the record straight, and it wont be pretty. But it is necessary. I am not looking forward to that phone call. I tried so hard to make sure everything was done face to face, as I felt she deserved it, but circumstances have necessitated a harsh phone conversation. I hope she has some support from her folks.

Overall, I am pretty content, on my way to happy. It is a road I am unfamiliar with of late, I seem to remember some of the landmarks from my childhood, and I am slowly making my way down the road. This time, I hope to recognize the final destination when I get there.

Almost There…

The past two weeks have been an exercise in patience and confusion. It ranks right up there in the most confusing times of my life. I came back from Virginia expecting anger, pain, lots of yelling and arguments and the things one usually thinks of when a long relationship is ending. That is not what I got. I got understanding, admissions of fault, and lots of loving attention. In other words, all the things that I had been lacking that led me to the point where I needed to get out. Don’t get me wrong, two weeks of this is not enough to make me forget about the past 6 years, but it has been damn confusing. After a couple of days of this, I had to talk to her again. I told her that I didn’t think she understood what was going on, what was happening. She sufficiently explained things how she saw them and I knew that she did, in fact, understand. I made it clear that we were over. I reiterated that at some point in the future, there may be a chance for us to have a relationship, but in order to start over, there had to be an ending, and that is what this is. She understood.

I do believe that she has tunnel vision and is focusing on the small glimmer of hope so hard that it shines like a lighthouse to her, but I feel I have done everything that I can do to be honest and clear about all this. I am pretty much ready to go, I finished packing everything up a week ago, and it just needs to be placed on a truck and transported. I have seen the stuff that is so graciously being given to me, and I am giddy as a leetle girl. I was given a first generation iPhone. That’s right, I said given. For free. So there, nanny nanny boo boo, stick your face in doo doo.

In my life, I have usually been a social loner. I had a few close friends, and I had circles of friends and had a good time, but my time was very much my time. I didn’t get that close to very many people. Mostly it was because experience had told me that feelings I had for others, friendship or otherwise, were rarely returned in the depth with which I had given them. So to find people as caring, and as generous as I have found in this time of my life is a source of amazement to me. In my life, I like to think that I have been generous and caring to others, but to have someone do that to me is baffling. I never really know what to say, and I feel guilty at times for accepting their generosity. To those people, and you know who you are, I can never sufficiently express my gratitude to the point where I feel it has been shown as deeply as I feel it. But know this, anything you ever want or need, if it is in my power to grant, it’s yours.

I am two days away from the departure. I approach it with some regret, and a mountain of excitement. It is nerve wracking to move into a new area and a new job on my own, but I feel I have a sense of purpose. I entered my first marriage a year out of high school, and when that one ended, I knew no other way to live. I spent most of the next five years longing for that security and feeling lonely. Part of that is what led to the second marriage. I have learned a lot because of this, and I feel I am better equipped in knowledge and experience to start a new life.

I am looking forward to the new start.

The Reveal

Sunday morning, I woke up as usual and X2B was outside again. I don’t know if it was a still up or a woke up. I got showered and told her I was going to coffee, not really giving her a chance to try to weasel her way into going. I met A and her grandfather at Denny’s, where we proceeded to have a bash fest on her. After a while, I sent A on his long drive home, and I went back to the house. She was in bed asleep.

I spent the better part of the day moving already packed boxes to the storage unit, and sorting through the last of the Idaho stuff there. I kept heading back to the house to see if she had woken up so I could have the talk. I finally got everything done I could without starting to really tear into things, and she still hadnt woke up yet. I played World of Warcraft for about an hour, but was having trouble staying focused enough to do much of anything. Finally, at four o’clock in the afternoon, I went in the bedroom to wake her up. She had finally started to stir. I gave her a few minutes to get awake enough to understand what I was saying, then told her that we needed to talk. She continued to do her waking up procedure of drinking a Coke or three, smoking a cigarette or five, wandering around the house. I finally got her back into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the couch and told her again that we needed to talk.

I started out by asking “Things have been pretty bad between us for a long time, you know that, right?” She nodded and said that she hadn’t known how to fix things. I started talking about all the things that she had been doing, or not doing that had been upsetting me. I gave examples, some of which I have talked about here. I had put enough thought into things to know the best way of saying things. I stayed away from telling her specific instances where she did something, since she gets hung up defending those particular actions, and just kept things to generalities. I told her how I felt that I was not important to her as anything other than a chauffeur and wallet, that we hadn’t been a couple in a long time based on she slept all day while I was at work and was up all night on the porch while I slept. I told how her negative attitude about everything was bringing me down, how she is a “glass half empty” person about everything. I dumped the whole bag of troubles right there on the bed, and held each of them up to the harsh light for her to see.

She surprised me by agreeing with me on pretty much everything. She continued to surprise me by admitting fault and accepting blame. The hard part was when I realized that she had not picked up on what was happening, and apparently thought I was leading up to some plan on how to fix everything. She eventually flat out asked what we could do to fix things. I told her that I had been offered a job in VA and had accepted. I told her I leave in two weeks.

There were no tears, no yelling. I made sure that she had heard and understood. She asked how we were going to fix things from so far away. I told her that I was leaving her. I explained how I had been planning this for years, and had been getting her to a place where she could support herself. She asked a few questions as realizations hit her, like freaking out because she wont have insurance. I explained again that I would be keeping her un insurance until I legally couldn’t, and that I had already explained to her how I wasn’t going to leave her high and dry. We both decided that we needed a cigarette, and she went outside. I held back a minute to let her folks know that the deed had been done, then joined her.

She asked a few more questions, then came up and gave me a hug and started crying. She told me that she had allowed the wreck to really mess her up and she had really messed up the relationship, and apologized about 14 bajillion times. Then she asked if I wanted to go see a movie.

OK.

This was not going at all as I had anticipated. I had expected yelling, screaming, possible violence. A had come up in case there was a need for a fast and furious packing and departure. I had made arrangements for places to stay in the event we couldn’t be in the same house. Now, she is calmly asking me if I want to go see a movie.

So we went to see a movie. She needed to go to the bathroom and get a drink before the movie started, so I called A to let him spread the news that it had been done. I was in a hurry, trying to get the bare essentials down before she came back. Apparently, I didn’t do a very good job, but that is a story for another day, maybe. She came back and as we watched the movie, she was grabbing at my hand to hold it, leaning on me. Essentially, confusing the hell out of me. I have been through a divorce before, and this is not at all what I am expecting. We go home after the movie and go to bed. She stayed up a bit, but that was to be expected.

p.s. sorry for not updating sooner, I was trying to get this done at work but circumstances and an unexpected bit of assholery from the boss prevented it. The deed is done, the move is on track, and there is more to tell, but it will have to be done another day. Hopefully, after the move, I will have more time to get some more chapters on sambobtink posted.

Triumphant Return, Part Two

Saturday

I woke up early and finished getting caught up on the all the surfing I hadn’t been doing. I showered and got ready to go to coffee, so I could update the old blog-er-ino. About the time I was ready to go, X2B, who either woke up before me, or was still up from the night before, asked if she could go. I told her I was ready to go and she needed to hurry. She commented that she needed to go to a “good” grocery store, not Walmart, to get stuff to make some bean soup thing. After 45 minutes, she is still in her nightgown making her shopping list. Another 45 minutes and we are out the door. We get to the coffee shop, and my favorite little barista calls out to me by name, reminiscent of Norm from Cheers, and comes to take our order. The first awkward moment came when she couldn’t remember X2B’s name after yelling mine across the store. The second came when she said that she had been reading my story on the other Blog. Luckily, I was behind X2B and was able to convey the concept of: “NO!!!!” which she was able to correctly interpret. Having coffee was a repeat of dinner the day before, no conversation. Granted, I was working on the laptop getting bills taken care of, but she had her plethora of diversions as well. After coffee, we went to the grocery store where I wandered around talking on the phone giving various people the “I’m home” conversation. An hour later, she is ready to check out. The bill comes to $66, and she looks at me expectantly. *sigh* our money, my money again. I pay and we go home. She says she needs to get the two older kittens taken in to try and get them adopted, and asks for my help writing the blurb. “It has to be sad, so people will feel sorry for them and adopt them,” she tells. I tell her that I could say they were rescued from the pound and go great with a orange sauce, but it didn’t go over very well. I start typing stuff, and she is looking over my shoulder telling me what to write until I get frustrated and snap at her. Then she decides to do it herself. I tell her I am going to the storage unit.

Leave the house, call the in-laws to see where they are so I can talk to them. They were going to get something to eat, then head closer. I tell them to call me when they are done eating. I head over to the grandfather in laws house. I needed to tell him what was going on for two reasons: One, I owe him money and needed his address to mail the checks to him. Two, I wanted to see if it was ok for either me or X2B to stay there for the two weeks before I leave. In talking to him, I am a bit surprised to find myself getting a bit emotional for the first time about all this. He tells me, basically, that he isnt surprised and that he cant blame me. I leave there and call the in-laws, and we set up a meeting. I tell them and get pretty much the same response. So far, I am surprised by this. One even suggested that we take the opportunity to tell her that everyone else is sick of her shit too. I ask that they not do this as it may be more than she can take at once. I finally go home, and she is in the midst of making her soup, and it is too late to take the kittens in.

I dink around on the computer and eat her soup, which wasn’t very good, considering how much the ingredients cost. She did her usual eat in front of the TV while I ate in front of my computer, then I tell her I am going to go back to the storage unit. I call A, who had come up in case I needed a rapid relocation, and he met me at the storage unit then we went and got a drink while talking about things. After a while, I went home and everyone was in front of the TV. I decided to stick to my original plan and tell her the next day and went to bed.

Stay tuned, next episode: The Reveal!

Call Off the Cops, I Survived

So, I managed to get back to Texas. As the week wore on, I got less and less sleep. I really was not looking forward to all of the difficult conversations I was going to have when I got there. I had a plan: On one day, tell the affected family members in order to make sure there was someone around to ensure the safety of either myself or X2B. Also, I wanted to make sure that there was a place for one of us to stay if needed until I got my stuff out and I was on my way. Then the next day, have the dreaded conversation with X2B to drop the bomb.

The plane hit the ground and rolled to the terminal. As soon as we were allowed to turn on our cell phones, I did so. In about 2 minutes, it rang. X2B was calling to see if I was here, and to let me know that her father had gotten angry waiting for her and left without her. I got to the sidwalk and lit the much needed cigarette, and the father-in-law called to see if I was out of the air and let me know he was arriving. After straightening out an arrival gate miscommunication, he picked me up. He immediately started griping about X2B and her not being ready to go when they needed to be gone. He also told me that him and the cow-in-law would be going car shopping the next day. I told him that I needed to talk to them both, and that X2B couldnt be there or know it was happening. I am actually impressed that he didnt try to press for more information.

We get to the house and there is the expected greetings and hugs, then I was told that X2B had a therapy appointment in an hour. I agreed to take her, and we left thirty minutes later. Dropped her off and went to put gas in the car and make the “I made it home safe” phone calls to everyone. I arrived back to pick her up and played with the PSP in the lobby while she wrapped up. She told me that she only had to do 10 minutes on the stationary bike and we could go. As we were about to walk out, she remembered she needed to make her next batch of appointments. She had to fill out some more paperwork. It took her an hour.

Remaining smidgen of a doubt is dwindling at this point. It seemed like just another day, not the joyous reunion after 5 weeks apart a happy couple would be expect. I was hungry, so we went to a restauraunt to get some chow. She took in her magazines and other distractions. The smidgen was gone. Completely destroyed. A quiet meal as she read and ate her nachos. She asked if we could go to the comic shop on the way back, which was fine since I wanted to see if there were any cool clearance items that got put out while I was gone. We get there, and it takes me about 10 minutes to see everything I needed to see and realize there was nothing I was willing to spend money on. She needed to keep looking, however. So, I am wandering around the store, looking at things I didnt really have an interest in. The new girl that worked there, kinda cute, was standing at the gaming table and asked me if I wanted to learn a funny game. She described it as “made for kids, but will be used by drunk adults.” We talked about things, and after a few minutes, I realized we were kinda sorta flirting with each other. X2B was still looking around, mostly oblivious. Her wandering took her within earshot and she piped in a comment, then wandered around some more. Cute Girl had to go the front to take a customers money, so I started wandering again. Customer gone, and I am looking at the funny buttons and magnets on the counter. Cute Girl and I start talking about them, and laughing at a few, when X2B wanders by again, grabbing my ass to mark her territory as she went by. The old “Just because I dont talk to you it doesnt mean you can talk to anyone else” ploy. My first wife did this same thing to me when she was leaving me. I related this anectdote to a friend, who commented that it really sucks when your wife cock-blocks you.

I wanted to go to the Used DVD store, and dropped X2B off at the fabric store. I looked around, taking my time, knowing how she is in the fabric store. I was starting to get really tired, I had been up early to catch my flight, so I went to get her. It took an hour to get her out of the store. Which, considering her track record in that place, is pretty good. Finally got home and dinked around on the internet a while, since I had been suffering from wihdrawal, then went and lay down. I was asleep before she came to bed. So endeth the triumphant return.